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DORITOS BLAZE SCORES 8.4 — TECTONIC CRUNCH CERTIFIED•KETTLE BRAND JALAPEÑO HITS 7.8 ON THE CHIPTER SCALE•NEW REVIEW: CAPE COD SEA SALT — 6.9 — ALMOST SEISMIC•SUBMIT YOUR CHIP FOR REVIEW•ZAPP'S VOODOO REACHES 9.1 — EPICENTER ELITE•PAQUI GHOST PEPPER — YOUR TONGUE WILL FILE A COMPLAINT•DORITOS BLAZE SCORES 8.4 — TECTONIC CRUNCH CERTIFIED•KETTLE BRAND JALAPEÑO HITS 7.8 ON THE CHIPTER SCALE•NEW REVIEW: CAPE COD SEA SALT — 6.9 — ALMOST SEISMIC•SUBMIT YOUR CHIP FOR REVIEW•ZAPP'S VOODOO REACHES 9.1 — EPICENTER ELITE•PAQUI GHOST PEPPER — YOUR TONGUE WILL FILE A COMPLAINT•
Veggie Chips: The Wellness Imposters in Our Pantries

Veggie Chips: The Wellness Imposters in Our Pantries

PUBLISHED

Veggie Chips: The Wellness Imposters in Our Pantries

The Lie We Tell Ourselves

You bought beet chips at Whole Foods for $8.99. You told yourself it was a health decision. We need to have a conversation about delusion.

A potato remains a potato whether you slice it thick or thin, fry it in canola or avocado oil, dust it with sea salt or pink Himalayan. The kale chip in your hand contains more oil per gram than a Dorito. These are facts. They are inconvenient facts, but facts nonetheless.

The Nutritional Reality Check

We analyzed 47 varieties of vegetable chips. Here's what your $9 artisanal sweet potato chips actually contain:

  • Calories: 150 per ounce (same as regular chips)
  • Fat: 10 grams per ounce (identical to Lay's)
  • Sodium: 180mg (your heart doesn't care that it's "sea salt")
  • Actual vegetables: technically yes, spiritually no

The Hierarchy of Deception

Tier 1: The True Believers

Dehydrated vegetables with nothing added. Taste like disappointment. Texture of regret. Nobody actually eats these.

Tier 2: The Oil Bathers

Kale chips, Brussels sprout chips, beet chips. Vegetables drowned in enough oil to power a small generator. The yoga mat in your car doesn't offset this.

Tier 3: The Shape Shifters

Cauliflower "crackers," chickpea "crisps," lentil "chips." These are not chips. They are processed food wearing a vegetable Halloween costume. The costume is not convincing.

Tier 4: The Honest Liars

Terra chips, sweet potato chips, taro chips. Still fried root vegetables. At least they're not pretending to be health food. Respect the honesty.

The Taste Test Results

  • Kale chips: Like eating money that tastes bad
  • Beet chips: Sweet dirt with crunch
  • Parsnip chips: Confused potato energy
  • Carrot chips: Why did you do this to carrots?
  • Zucchini chips: Somehow both soggy and crispy
  • Plantain chips: Actually good, therefore not really a vegetable chip

The Price Per Ounce Catastrophe

Regular potato chips: $0.42/oz

Sweet potato chips: $0.89/oz

Kale chips: $2.75/oz

Freeze-dried snap peas: $3.50/oz

Your dignity: Priceless, but already gone

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Marcus Crunchwell

Marcus Crunchwell is Chipter's lead chip critic with over a decade of professional snack evaluation experience. Known for his unflinching honesty and deadpan delivery, Marcus has sampled over 3,000 varieties of chips from 47 countries. He holds a Ph.D. in Food Science and approaches each chip with the seriousness of a sommelier evaluating a vintage Bordeaux, but with considerably more salt and considerably less pretense.

VIEW ALL ARTICLES BY MARCUS CRUNCHWELL